Gray Gardens

I just watched the HBO movie Gray Gardens. It is about a mother and daughter, both named Edie, who lived in a fantasy world. Edie, sr. was married to a very rich man. She lived in the Hamptons with the children while he cheated on her in the city. She took a lover of sorts after her husband left her. I'm pretty sure he was gay. He would play the piano while she sang and danced. Then her,now, ex-husband died and he didn't leave her anything but a trust. Her two sons were in charge of it. For years, little Edie talked and talked about going to new York and becoming a famouse actress. But she never went. They had no money and the two of them rotted away in a decaying house. It was the first documented case of hoarding that I heard of. So Edie,jr.'s hair fell out and she got old and wrinkled. But she always saw herself as a young vivascious girl, still trying to get her brake into entertainment. The movie shows how time ravages the body and mind. It solidifies my fear of aging. When I go out, I still see myself as I looked in my early 20's. Thin, pretty, long dark hair...but I'm not. I am a middle aged fat woman. In the past few years my body has started to sag and wrinkle. Yet I feel the same as I did when I was younger. I still want to flirt with handsome men. I want to be able to go out and not have to have any money because men would buy all my drinks and cigarettes...maybe a meal. That hasn't happened in years. If i were a rich woman , I would definately have some things lifted, a little botox... but I'm not rich. So I use wrinkle cream, maybe get a chemical peel.

Edie,jr. realizes at the end of the movie that she did miss 'her moment in the spotlight' because she never left that horrible house. I feel like I missed my chance too. I should have left KZentucky and never come back. Now I feel very stuck. Like i'm waling through quick sand every day, and everyday I'm sinking deeper into this life that I don't like at all.